DIY Chain Land NASA Contract...

Artist's impression of the B&Q shuttle

DIY chain B&Q has been handed a contract believed to be worth $3.5bn to supply around 100 pots of their own brand tile grouting following problems with space shuttle insulation coming away on take-off.

The next scheduled scheduled flight was to have taken place last Sunday but had to be delayed after technicians discovered inconsistencies in the blu-tack

quality control. Mission control could do nothing else but launch an immediate enquiry and as B&Q were the only store open on Sunday, NASA were forced to delay a further month or so while the stock was located.

The staggering cost of the contract has cause raised eyebrows among some critics. Both Alastair Darling and the Archbishop of Canterbury have said they were hoping to get retirement jobs at the store so $3.5bn would go some way towards fixing not only insulation tiles but also a few domestic problems.

Round-the-world sailor Ellen McArthur said NASA would have no worries with B&Q. "They treated me extremely well in the past, in fact the Ronseal is still doing its job now".